Great Sex

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn’t really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn’t exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn’t actually have sex per se, but we came very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely…well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn’t fondling me…well, really, I wasn’t actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn’t really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was…on the other side of a wall you see…in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of…on the street…leaning against the building. But wow! What a night. What a night.

Bat in Italy

This is a true story. I wish it weren’t.

Last night I had a little trouble getting to sleep, and it wasn’t a case of insomnia.

I had just finished brushing my teeth and was heading back to my bedroom for a much needed rest. Upon entering the room, I switched on the light and noticed a black object flying around the light in the center of the room. I thought to myself, “no problem, just a small bird that will fly out of the room when I open the window.”

After looking at this object for a few seconds, I realized that it was a BAT. My reaction was, and I quote, “SHIT!”. Milliseconds later, I was in the next room looking at a closed door and wondering how the hell I was going to get rid of this thing…

The window in the bedroom was closed and locked, hence it could not be opened from the outside of the house. This left me with one alternative .. going back in and flushing out the BAT.

I returned to the bathroom and got a large towel which I put over my head. I slowly entered the room and started shaking the towel over my head while the BAT circled above. Too bad that bats can’t see .. the sight of a 6’6″ male in his underware hiding underneath a bath towel would cause any normal animal to die of laughter. I must have looked like an epileptic King Faud.

I made my way, as quickly as possible, to the window and succeeded in opening it. After returning to the safety of the next room, I realized I was dealing with a STUPID BAT. The damn thing would not fly out of the room.

My next brainstorm was to scare the STUPID BAT out of the bedroom. So, the man with the shaking towel on his head re-enters the room and tries to scare a STUPID BAT. Notice that I never said this was a clever brainstorm.

After trying for several minutes (that seemed like hours), the STUPID BAT is still circling and I’m more scared than the STUPID BAT.

I am running out of brainstorms at this point. That is until my cat walks up to the door and looks at me with an expression that can only be described as: “why are you standing at your bedroom door with a towel on your head?” Cats are good at recognizing abnormal behaviour.

My cat, Roxy, is also quite a good hunter. She regularly brings dead objects into the house for inspection (that’s another good story). By now, you probably are having the same brainstorm that I was last night. She can kill a moth as it flys through the air why can’t she KILL the STUPID BAT as it flys through the air.

At first, she is a little confused as I toss her into the bedroom to do her instinctive duty. However, as soon as the STUPID BAT goes into his flight pattern, she makes several stunning leaps into the air to KILL the STUPID BAT. Unlike her owner (who has finally realized that a towel on the head is not really needed against a STUPID BAT) she gives up and sits in the middle of the bed looking at the STUPID BAT hanging upside down on curtains and her owner peeking through the door. I’m sure she is thinking: “You are 6’6″ tall. YOU can reach the STUPID BAT”.

I hate it when my cat has these great ideas.

So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain .. Roxy is waiting patiently for an opportunity to attack .. I get within a couple of feet of the STUPID BAT .. the towel is wadded into an efficent, STUPID BAT KILLING projectile (thank God for rec.pyrotechnics) .. I’m ready to attack .. the towel is launched .. and the STUPID BAT comes straight at me! And I don’t have a towel on my head!

I don’t know how, but I got out bedroom alive. I quickly went to the bathroom and got more ammo. I really want to KILL the STUPID BAT.

So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain .. but this time I notice that the STUPID BAT is stuck in the curtain .. IT CAN’T MOVE!!! I find myself thanking God that this is a STUPID BAT .. if it were a SMART BAT, I’d be dead.

Confident that I have won this battle, I slowly walk up to the STUPID BAT and wrap it up in a towel. I then quickly walk to the window and throw the entire bundle out the window. Within seconds, the window is closed and the sense of saftey overwhelms me.

Before retiring for the night, there is one last thing to do. I need to collect all the ammo (towels) that have been used in this adventure. After putting away the towels that are inside the house, I remembered that there is still one more outside that used to contain a STUPID BAT.

It’s so dark outside, I don’t even bother to put on a pair of pants so that I won’t offend the neighbors. I easily find the towel in the faint light coming from the bedroom light and start to pick it up carefully by the corners. I want to shake it out to make EXTRA sure that the STUPID BAT is not still inside the towel. After all this, I’ll be damned if I’m going to take the STUPID BAT back into the house.

Suddenly, I feel a small fur covered object rub against my arm! It makes me jump about 3 feet and nearly gives me a heart attack. After recovering, I slowly approached the towel to find Roxy looking up at me with the expression: “Thanks for putting this towel outside for me to sleep on!”

I wanted to KILL that STUPID CAT!

10 Silliest Phone Conversation in HK

1. Alan Skyrme (AS) phoned an export firm in Kowloon. A receptionist (R) answered:

R: “Mr Chan’s office.”
AS: “Is he available?”
R: “He is out of town. He is due back from his trip yesterday.”
AS:”If he was due back yesterday, can I get hold of him?”
R: “Please call back yesterday.”

2. Ram Sajnani phoned Pizza Hut in Tsim Sha Tsui.

“How much does it cost to host a party for children and adults?”

“Same price, 103 dollars, for both children and humans.”

3. Paul Hoffman phoned Café de Paris in Lan Kwai Fong.

“My name is Hoffman. I wish to cancel my reservation for tonight.”
“You have a reservation for two people at 8 pm.”
“Yes. I wish to cancel it.”
“May I have your telephone number?”
“Why do you need my number if am canceling my reservation?”
“Okay. Thanks. See you tonight.”

4. Enzo Pesci made a long distance call from Italy to his office in Hong Kong.

“Good morning. I am Mr Pesci. Can I speak with—”
“I am sorry. Mr Pesci is in Italy. But if you leave your name and phone number—”
“I know Mr Pesci is in Italy because I am Mr Pesci.”
“In that case, you do not need to leave your name and number.”

5. Craig Sanderson’s house was suffering a power cut on Cheung Chau island. He decided to phone Park ’n’ Shop supermarket to see if it was open, or whether it had also had a blackout.

“Is that Park n shop?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have any electricity?”
“No, sir. We don’t sell electricity.”

6. Simon Mok phoned a Wyndham Street restaurant to ask about its menu.

“You have an all-day breakfast?”
“Yes sir.”
“When do you open?”
“Lunchtime, sir.”

7. Writer Simon Winchester phoned the concierge at the Mandarin Oriental hotel to ask him for some Beethoven. The usual concierge was off so Simon spoke to a young staff member.

“Do you know who Beethoven is?”
“No. What room is he in?”
“No, no, he’s dead.”
“Oh. We’d better call security.”

8. A friend called the MTR Corp, Hong Kong’s main underground transit system, to ask the name of the melody that was playing in a loop on the station sound system.

“What is the music that is playing in the stations?”
“It’s a tape.”
“Yes, but what do you call it?”
“We call it ‘a tape’.”

9. Paul Frankland phoned Café de Paris in Lan Kwai Fong.

“My name is Frankland. I wish to cancel my reservation for tonight.”
R: “You have a reservation for two people at 8 pm.”
“Yes. I wish to cancel it.”
R: “May I have your telephone number?”
“Why do you need my number if am canceling my reservation?”
R: “Okay. Thanks. See you tonight.”

10. Jimmy Cheung phoned a company hotline.

“Is that the 24-hour hotline?”
“Yes.”
“Is there someone there who can help me?”
“No. We’re closed.”